Ménage a Trois

Living with the alter ego that is Cherry Darling does put a very interesting slant on your day-to-day way of life. Cherry’s paraphernalia has taken over our existence in numerous ways, it’s like a mad auntie with eccentric dress sense has moved in, but you never see her!

Take for example, a guy getting ready for work. He usually opens the wardrobe and grabs a shirt from the hanger and gets suited and booted, ready to greet the day in the office.  In my case, I open the wardrobe and generally have to wrestle with a forest of sequin encrusted organza hanging up in there, and that is before I find any suitable attire for my day at work.  On the up side, at least every day starts like Mardi Gras, however trying to unravel ties from rampant organza boas does become extremely taxing, especially when late for an appointment.

Our quaint little abode is devoid of storage space. The houses in our development must have been designed by and architect that used to be a cave dwelling hermit, however we still try and store Cherry’s wardrobe, as best we can.

The feather garments that Cherry wears are carefully stored in the loft, however when I go up there without the lights on it  does frighten the crap out of me sometimes, thinking that stowaways from Sesame Street have taken refuge in our attic - although being raided by the Muppets would be kinda fun. 

Wigs are another issue.  There are Marie Antoinette up dos, big Dolly Parton  “howdy y’all”  hair dos, the odd Streisand replica, there is even a bride of Frankenstein styled wig somewhere – but I really find it rather sinister when I am laying in bed reading and over the top of my book I can see, lined up on top of the wardrobe, all these disembodied heads wearing Cherry’s fab hair dos – it’s like the entire cast of La Cage Aux Folles has been put to death and are now lined up looking fabulous on the spikes of London’s Traitor’s Gate....sick, but you kind of get the idea...

Cherry, like every other woman/female impersonator that I know, has a thing about shoes – they have to be brash, bold, and the heels so high you get nosebleeds from just standing in them.  These are always obtained from specialist online stores; however I have always wanted Hubby to waltz in to Brantano, pick up a pair of glitzy sling backs, mince up to the shop assistant behind the counter and ask, “Have you got these in a size 10 dear?”  It would be worth it just to see the reaction of the poor assistant’s face...

Hubby did go into Anne Summers once and asked to try on this hideous PVC dress that he wanted for his costume wardrobe, but the snotty bint of a manager looked at him with complete disdain, as if he had asked her to dance naked in the shop window! Some people really need to realise we are in the 21^st Century!  And Anne Summers really need to get a grip!

Make up is another thing that I really have no understanding about. From the contents of Cherry’s make up case, a form of alchemy is created, from powders, potions and mascara comes this amazing mask of flawlessness that Cherry is becoming very famous, and envied for.  The one thing I have learnt early on is to not even try and understand what all the different bottles of stuff are for, and also not to be dared by Lisa into having a go, myself, when Cherry’s back is turned...the finished result looked like it had been applied by Stevie Wonder whilst attempting a colour-by-numbers art project. Of course, Cherry did not see the funny side – and for punishment she hid the wipes too...Bitch!

Simply the BEST!

I am a very risk-averse person I think, which is the total oppositte of my hubby/Cherry, who generally grabs risk by the short and curlies and then rides it like Seabiscuit - and fair play to her for doing so. Last night was one of the proudest nights of my life. Basically Cherry, nigh on single handedly, put on her own one woman show, sold it out and had them screaming in the aisles all night - and organised it in under two months too. She also re-wrote her show, learnt new songs especially for it and had some amazing costume acoutrements created especially for the event.  I wholly admit that I thought this was a big risk, but she pulled it off and our nearest and dearest friends, who also helped out a great deal, I also think are just amazing too.

Not all of it went to plan, we had wardrobe malfunctions, not on the Janet Jackson sort of level, but it gave us some concern, the DJ that was hired had some technical issues, however otherwise was totally amazing and did a fab job all night. It was also an excellent opportunity for Cherry to get a show reel done as well, and from this a DVD is going to be made - and all profits are going to go to Comic Relief too, so all in all it was a rather productive night.

I just don't know if now is the right time to admit to breaking one of Cherry's Julien Macdonald earrings...oh well, it's out there now, I shall suffer the consequences...

What's in a Name!

As mentioned previously, when Cherry does her gigs, it is usually to a positive response and a reasonably laid back attitude from those that have attended. However on this one occasion, there was a bit of a situation, where I was party to a blatantly homophobic outburst from a drunken chav who thought it was still trendy to wear shell suits.

We had just finished packing the car of all the paraphernalia that is Cherry Darling, and we had just got in the car. Cherry's manager, Claire, was with us too on this trip.  Some girls who had been at the show were waving at hubby as we drove off, but as we drove off, the aforementioned drunken chav yelled at us "fu**in' tranny!" Of course hubby was quick with a smart and witty retort that rhymed with "clucking front!", however if you have seen Cherry's show, that was rather tame for him...

Well, I just let it go as there is no point getting worked about such things, but whilst I was driving home I started to mull it over in my head and as I did I got angrier and angrier about it.  In fact I was furious and became incandescent with rage whilst blasting back up the M5 - how could that drunken yob not tell the difference between a transvestite and a Drag Queen???? Of all the nerve, the uneducated little runt could not tell the difference between the two!!!

So, for those of you that don't want to upset me in any way shape or form, please take note...

Generally, (and I am generalising ) a transvestite is a  straight man who gets a certain 'kick' from wearing women's clothing. This is not to be confused with transsexuals, who were men/women who have a little operation that re-addresses their intimate bits to make them more comfortable, sexually.  A Drag Queen (the term requires capital letters because it is supposed to denote fabulousness) is generally a gay man (there are, however, some straight drag acts may I hasten to add..) who dress up in larger than life costumes, to create a female caricature, which is often done for entertainment or performance purposes.

The term 'drag' may have arisen from the time when it was not allowed for women to be on stage and all parts were played by men, and the acronym "drag" was written in the play as a form of abbreviation to make note that the actor had to "dress as a girl". Whether this is true is another matter, but it is a kind of kitsch little piece of information to keep in mind.

Oh, and by the way....after reading this and you still insist in calling Cherry, or any of her Drag sisters a tranny, I will personally rebuke you in public and criticise your footwear!!!

Wired for Sound

PA systems have recently become the bane of my life.

Should there be a need, Cherry has a PA system, which generally resides in our downstairs cloakroom between gigs and doubles up as a shelf for loo paper. This piece of kit does get used rather infrequently, but it is a good thing to have as you can be more flexible and go to places that do not have PA systems. One such place was a cricket pavilion in the bowels of deepest Gloucestershire...I am not judgemental in any way shape or form, however, upon our arrival, in the far off distance I swore I heard banjos...

Needless to say we were worried that we had got the right address. Nigella, our satnav has led us a merry dance across the Midlands on numerous occasions, but this place had no visible entrance and for all accounts and purposes looked like a rural crack den.  We checked again and Nigella told me in a very resigned tone of voice, that I had "reached my destination", to which she was instantly slammed back in the glove box.  Thankfully, after a few moments another car came down the track, which turned out to be the organiser of this ladies night.  She opened up the venue and to be honest it turned out to be a nice little venue, albeit chilly and remote, but nice - banjos permitting.

Hubby sashayed in and started putting Cherry together, whilst I was left to put together the PA System - apparently my building background and the fact I can wire up the wii to the TV is proof enough that I can do this....I reserved judgement, although  I had ensured it all worked prior to using it; as a typical bloke I had the foresight to check all the bits were there and it all wired together correctly. This took a lot of guessing. The first stumbling block was that the PA system was GERMAN, and therefore had continental plugs. (Hubby saw it on ebay and thought it was a bargain...probably misread the cost in deutsch marks!!!) However, this was easily corrected - continental adaptors from B&Q, the job was a goodun. 

Following the rather sketchy German diagrammatics, the final result worked, however it looked like a bomb had gone off on the Millennium Falcon. Wiring was everywhere, but I had Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" blaring out of speakers and it worked. Yay me!

I had to now replicate this set up again, and whilst doing so it had dawned on me that I had to lug this system, bit by bit, up a flight of stairs.  Needless to say I am not the fittest person in the world, and I shall spare you the details...panting, perspiring poofs are not that nicest thing to write about, however it does depend in which context you are writing about them in....anyhow I digress...

The spot where the system was being set up was a nice little corner on the dance floor with two plug sockets. I went to task, installing the system, and after a while, realised I needed 3 sockets - one for the system, one for the laptop with the tunes on, and one for the radio mic. Also one of the sockets had a heater plugged into it, which I resignedly unplugged and went and told Cherry about the problem.  The news was not taken very well, and I was told to go and buy an extension lead...unfortunately there are very few retail outlets open in rural Gloucestershire at 8pm.  This point was glossed over by a rather furious hubby that was mid-drag, so I decided to go and look for alternative solutions, like finding a venue with more plug sockets...

After aimlessly wandering around the venue I spied at the back of the bar an extension cable, which I snatched and ran back to the PA system with and started to plug everything in - I could even plug back in the heater, all was good with the world as that would keep me toastie warm during the show, as I was going to be the resident DJ for the night...which is my own personal nightmare. I do suffer for my husband's art. I really do not like being the centre of attention or being on stage - a very bad bout of stage fright as a teenager during a school show put paid to that, I am saying no more....

Next thing was to get the radio mic to work - again electronics are not my forte and I was constantly worrying why every time I turned the mic on there would be this ear splitting scream resounding from the system. A rushed phone call to an ex international DJ friend (yeah, how cool is that???) asking his advice, finally realised that the mic could not be in front of the speakers or you get feedback. The penny dropped, as I was testing it directly in front of the speakers (d'oh!) The speakers were rearranged to prevent this happening again. The system was now working fine - the background music was playing off the laptop, and the mic was behaving itself. Good stuff!

As the night started, I took my place behind the system, and introduced Cherry onto the stage. At this point I should point out that this took place over the week of Remembrance Day and Cherry was having two minutes' silence before each show in respect of those lost in the wars. Cherry made her entrance with poppies the size of tea plates festooning her wig, and an air of reverence radiated from her as she asked the audience for the traditional two minutes silence. During this time I was supposed to queue the music for "The Last Post", what she got was a very abrupt blast of the opening of Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff".  Needless to say my career as DJ was short lived.

May I say thank you to our good friend James, aka International DJ James Fierce, whose assistance I called upon during this fateful evening, and who celebrates the big four zero today - many happy returns mate x x x

I Will 'Man Up' When You 'Drag Up'...

Watching Cherry perform on stage is always a very proud moment for me, especially as I know that a great amount of thought and work has gone into every detail – each nuance thought about, the visual effect has been carefully detailed and considered, each joke or put-down critically honed to perfection, and the majority of the audience will enjoy themselves, laugh and generally have a good night.  I love to see Cherry receive the positive feedback that people give directly after the show. Generally there is usually a lady in the audience who has had a few-too-many, who becomes Cherry’s new best friend for the next ten minutes and sees it as a personal challenge to turn him back to the straight-side, but then generally leaves after learning a few helpful make up tips from Cherry instead...a win-win situation I feel for all involved.

However, the one thing I still have trouble dealing with is the negative aspect of an audience.  The old adage of “you can’t please everyone all the time” is really true. When you are out there doing your thing in a cabaret show or a Ladies Night, for example, not everyone is going to be interested as the main event is the stripper, and it does pain me to see a small number of members of the audience not really taking any notice of what Cherry is doing, not interacting with the act, and generally being rather dismissive of it all.  As an entertainer, you generally learn to deal with it, you know as soon as you start that you are not going to appeal to the whole audience, but you work with those in the crowd that want to listen and enjoy what you, as an entertainer, are doing.  Personally I have to prevent myself from getting up, walking over to the irritating little runt who has done nothing but talk to her coven of likewise thoughtless, irritating gobshites all the way through the show whilst slinging back gallons of Malibu and pineapple down them, poke them in the eyes and bellow at the top of my lungs, “That dress costs hundreds of pounds you ungrateful bint, now bloody watch the show!!!!”  According to Cherry that is not good PR...

As much as it upsets me to think that Cherry does not get the kudos she deserves from ALL the audience, I have to constantly remind myself it is nothing personal and it is generally in the minority. I have to mentally put on a Teflon coated attitude and constantly reinforce the thought that those who are not bothering to listen and take part, well it’s their loss - I just hope for their sakes that they stay under Cherry’s radar...