The Only Way is Cherry's

Cherry was invited to perform at Colchester’s only gay venue, The Vallies, at the beginning of March.  Let’s just say for all of its Olde Worlde charm, driving around Colchester with a frantic drag queen as a passenger at 9pm at night around an unknown one way system is not my idea of fun and a task not to be taken lightly – especially as I have the navigation skills of a dead homing pigeon and Cherry has the patience of a 7 year old on Christmas morning - not a good mix to have in an enclosed space...

Anyhow, I digress - we finally find the venue and the world seems a far nicer place. Cherry is less, well, if I use the term “frenzied” you would get the jist...but needless to say the best bit about The Vallies is the Daniels, a very accommodating couple of guys (not in the biblical sense but wouldn’t say no if asked as they are rather cute ...) both called Daniel, who actually manage the venue.  The one thing that I found really eye-catching about the venue was the innovative way that they advertised, by projecting approximately 25ft high poster-like images on to the side of the club – very Jean Michel Jarre.

Needless to say, the first thing that I appreciated was the fact that Cherry was allowed access to their apartment adjacent to the club, in order to get changed – this is a big thing as many a time Cherry and I have been stuck in a foetid pub urinal, trying to sort out Cherry’s tights without trying to kneel or step barefooted on a damp, newly pissed on floor, vying for space with the strippers, whilst trying to breathe in an atmosphere of oxygen, methane, Lynx and hair spray...believe me it has been known...

Although I have seen a few drag acts, the one thing different that I have noticed with Cherry is that from the time she is in the vicinity she is mixing with the patrons of the venue; even after her performance she will mingle, pose for photos and generally have a giggle until the bar closes – something that I think the club-goers like as well.

Also, the one thing that people should learn is that if you dare to try and upstage Cherry, she will wipe her arse with you – as some poor reprobate found out to his detriment when Cherry tried to make him dance topless as punishment for upstaging her.  If anyone does find the buttons from his shirt, please pass them on so he can repair it.  I am sure “monkey-boy” as he was so affectionately labelled, will know better next time.

Photo of Cherry Darling at The Vallies, courtesy of Jonathan Ballard

Thank You Fairy Much...

Once upon a time, a little girl was eagerly looking forward to her 7^th birthday party. She has created her ideal scenario...all her little friends have to come to her party dressed as princesses and in a community centre in the centre of Kidderminster, a transformation has occurred from a dreary magnolia municipal hall into a palatial wonderland for her special day. The castle turrets are in the back ground, the regal throne that the birthday princess sits on is in place and the parental minions are ushering food into place for this special day.  However, there was one thing this little girl really wanted – a fairy godmother is required to give out party bags to her princess friends as they leave the party – and it had to be no ordinary fairy godmother...it had to be Auntie Cherry...

Action stations!!!  Cherry took to this very seriously, the dress, the wings, the banter, and the worry of trying to be PC in front of lots of under ten year olds without saying “fuck” in front of them, played constantly on Cherry’s mind – it will be very difficult, but not impossible...

The dress - the little girl envisaged a blue dress...just like Cinderella’s fairy godmother, but unfortunately nothing of that ilk lies within Cherry’s boudoir (or our spare room as it’s generally known).  A dress is found, however, it was damaged during a ladies night in Worcester, where a male stripper with an off-the-wall dance routine paraded around with an oversized Chupa Chups lolly hanging from his Prince Albert – of course you cannot tell this to the little girl, just explain that a gang of magical mice are mending it as we speak – this appeases the little girl – as for the colour? “It will be sparkly!” announces Cherry – the little girl can’t wait to see it.

The wings – I envisaged a pair of wings that I bought from a toy store when I was looking for a costume at the 11^th hour – (I ended up wearing a pair of wings and a kilt and going as The Flying Scotsman (think about it...)) Unfortunately, these wings had been discarded in disgust by Cherry as they were far too small.  However, after much searching, and via the power of the internet, a pair of ethereal, wing-like appendages is found...in America.  The helpful lady on the other side of the pond has been told of Cherry’s plight – she starts to fashion a pair of wings and promises they will be with her by the deadline.  But, we have to point out that this person in the USA is crap at adding up and every time Cherry hears from her, the price has risen.  Cherry becomes mightily ticked off by the wing maker and threatens a very un-fairy god motherly plague of karmic evil upon her for causing these major problems, but the wing maker sees the error of her ways (and promises to buy a calculator) and the situation is placated and in turn prevents a large wooden structure from landing on her.  The wings arrive and are collected just in time for that special day.  They are two pieces of shimmering gauze draped from a wire contraption that attaches to the wearer via some strange machinations that also involve a bra.  Thankfully, Cherry wears one wherever she goes and the wings are attached and are kept in place – just!

The banter – I envisaged issues here - we’ll get back to this...

The big day arrives, the party is in full swing and Fairy Godmother Cherry is at home getting ready for the party.  The costume is in place – she is dressed, corseted, winged, wigged and goes out the door, only to realise that the front seat of your general 5 door hatchback car does not take into account the paraphernalia of a Fairy Godmother Drag Queen’s costume.  She gets in gingerly, but has to remove the wig in order to fully get in.  The wings are carefully tucked behind her and gathered up before the door is shut – Cherry has to sit rather awkwardly in order to not damage her wings. So, with Cherry fully in place in the passenger seat, looking extremely uncomfortable and having more than a passing resemblance of a transvestite Quasi Modo, we head off to the party.  But alas, there is more to this woeful tale.

We get to our destination and the party is in full swing – but the weather is not kind to us (i.e. it is pissing down).  The Heavens opened as soon as we arrive, but Fairy Godmother Cherry cannot enter the party looking like a drowned rat, but unfortunately there is no other choice but for Cherry (with wings) makes a mad dash for cover, hurling abuse at the weather, my parking, her wings, and all and sundry that is in hearing – the door opens and Fairy Godmother Cherry makes a very regal entrance.  The birthday princess is ecstatic that her special guest has arrived, whilst the other guests look on bemused, but then do take part in the fun. 

The Fairy Godmother takes part in their games, doing the hokey cokey with them, a dancing competition, where everybody got a prize – unfortunately the prize was left over party food, which went down with the young prize winners like a bacon sandwich at a synagogue.

It goes without saying that Operation Fairygodmotherdragqueen was a success...and I did hear a rumour that the Tooth Fairy is looking for someone to job share...

And the little girl had a great birthday party and she lived happily ever after.

The End